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This page is something of a memoir of my time in an abusive institution. The telling of events isn't linear, literal, or even sensible.

I don't think I'm really capable of killing it. If not for this sick attachment, this twisted form of love that I feel for it. Then maybe I could. It's almost miraculous. Its once all-encompassing existence... How I let it consume me, I don't know. I was a fool, plain and simple. I promised, but I was a fool.

The advice "do as you're told and nothing more" is useful but limited. They expect you to use your intuition for a lot but only when they want you to and they never say when that is.

Some say that kind of thinking isn't useful. But for whom or what or why they never say. It's always implied. What are you implying? I know what I am implying. Do you?

They came in and tore the place apart. Like a divine punishment for our minor transgressions. Detergent, foot powder, uniforms, all of these among the carcasses of once working flashlights. These were the decorations. The dressings for that horrible altar. The place of worship, a pit of sand filled with violent instruments. There it lay, in the middle of our monastery dedicated to killing.

The whole art of implication. Saying what you mean without saying it directly. It's powerful. It's useful. It's beautiful and ugly. I don't wish to kill it off either. But I have to say that life would be easier without it in some ways. Harder in others, though. Harder when it comes to hard things.

SM states they may have made a mistake in coming here. Reports struggles with depressed mood, no motivation to remain, concentration and sleep problems and increased emotionality.

Saying things directly is sometimes a lot harder. More painful for everyone involved. That's not always the case. Actually pretty often there is a power imbalance that leads to one party not caring, pushing their agenda, and the other has to take it.

SM is reporting SI and had the opportunity to... They do not have any other plans.

Oftentimes, the enemy in this scenario gets upset that their advice was not taken. Even if it wasn't really advice, an inferior, a whelp must follow it. That's an order and your disobedience is worthy of punishment.

SM has a secondary agenda to get out and is not fully engaging treatment to get better. SM has limited social supports, is young, immature and is seeking to escape their current situation instead of learning to adapt and overcome current obstacles. SM becomes emotional and distracted making consistent, reliable work (progress) more challenging.

How do you choke it down? It will never go down, and you're not allowed to leave. You're stuck here. You're not allowed to leave. No matter how bad it gets, you're not allowed to leave.

I remind the others what this is. They'll learn that we're all going through the same shit together. For now, they crack jokes. "There's 60 of us and 10 of them." They'll learn.

What do you do in a situation that you can't change? What's the advice? Suck it up. Suck it the fuck up. Learn to be happy with it. Hell, maybe you have no right to be upset about it. You can't direct that towards Them. They won't let me deal with it. They don't care. Just take it out somehow...

Death knocks. Who's responsible? I know. I could have stopped it. I hid instead. I put myself before the mission. This unholy trade. What horrors I've wrought. My creator had better uses of its time. Wash this scum away from the earth. Drag it down where it will never be seen again.

The most abolitionist slave of the lot is the first to take up the whip. But who is struck? Not the master. Never the master. Always another slave. Beat your comrades down. What a way to gain renown.

I don't know if they are telling the truth or just want out. They do not give out a lot of information. They have the opportunity to make something positive happen with their life but wants out and to go back to a lifestyle they admit was not good. Reframing has little impact.

Harsh actions require a harsh punishment. They are problematic. They will either shape up under the new rules or perish under them. There is no reason to reconsider your methods. Beasts are not worthy of it.

Not a day goes by that I don't ask myself "Why?" I mean I know why, but I just don't understand it all looking back at it.

Deep down. Deep down, one can't shake that they're the problem. Doing all of this. Yeah, you're the problem. Feels easier to just keep doing it, though. How could we even bother to stop?

I write like J. D. Salinger